Russia is fucking screwed. Not only is the price of oil going down faster than a transvestite on eddie murphy’s lap (HOOOO!), but their most promising young athlete just died. His name was something, and he was from Russia. He was 19 and was a 1st round draft pick for the NY Rangers. The story behind the story is that this was no case of a young athlete dying because of complications of being Russian and stupid. No. I believe that this young boy was actually a secret journalist, and this explains why he mysteriously died while playing hockey. In fact, according to myself, people don’t just die in Russia. Anyone who tells you otherwise is most likely a spy, a communist, someone related to me, or even is me. It usually is me. I will tell you one thing while doing the other. That is the cornerstone of the Russian. Russian is a man/woman hybrid creature that feels and looks like Dobby from Harry Potter. In fact, has anyone ever noticed how much Dobby looks like Putin? Is this the great conspiracy of our time? No, no it isn’t.
The great conspiracy, or rather, the great bummer (because it’s not a conspiracy at all, it’s just a bummer for Russia and Venezuela) is that oil is plummeting. I remember when people actually cared about going green, and driving hybrids, and eating dehydrated cow shit and other ecologically sound things. The recent economic asshole (as in the brown thing in the middle of your butt, not in reference to a jerk) fucking has eroded their power and destroyed any chance for a “resurgent Russia”. So fuck that. Russia can suck my dick and kill me if they want to because they’re already insignificant. Sort of. Hehehehe. They’re more like a bunch of douchebags with no style; the inbred rich neighbor who just lost his job, but has to keep up appearances because he’s worried his girlfriend will leave him, even though she’s fat and ugly and also his cousin.
But I bet a blowjob from Russia would feel nice. Like, reaaaal nice. Like the kind when you’re like “suck harder” and then Russia would be like “mmph mm phhm!” and it’s hard enough to understand what russia’s saying because your dick’s in her mouth (or his, because if Russia were a dude, I’d let it suck my dick; but only Russia-as-a-man could get away with this. Don’t get any ideas you faggots), not to mention that Russia speaks Russians, so it would be like “MMMМНѮД ДДДMѸѸѸ” and shit. But the main reason that Russia gives the best blowjobs (only second to Israel, for obvious reasons) is that Russia had a lot of work done. Her mouth is huge, great jiggly tits, and she’s always wasted, so she’ll put it so deep inside her mouth she’ll think she’s sucking on a bottle of Stolichnaya! HOOOOO!
I forgot what I was talking about, but irregardles, I remembered and shall now continue. Oil fell below 70 dollars a barrel today. Because of that, Russia will no longer be able to afford all the bullshit stupid crap that it bought over the last year since a barrel of oil almost became as expensive as an ounce of weed. I know that oil’s not their only thing, but oil prices were helping them even more than natural gas! And even natural gas is slowing down. I just want to know when the weed market bubble will burst, although it’s been steady at about 50 bucks a bag for a while. The bags have been getting smaller, and the prices stay the same. Fuck that. Weed can suck my dick.
Foreign relations is probably my best subject, and this article shows why: I’m articulate and I’m all about getting my dick sucked by Russia.
