The Physical Impossibility of Republicanism in the Mind of a Democrat Living

The importance of message boards has been lost on me ever since I was a member of the Emperor’s Hammer dot com, where star wars geeks would unite to play each other in TIE fighter vs X-wing on our 56k modems in the mid to late nineties. I haven’t thought much recently about how message boards have changed, but apparently they’re quite a force on some major websites (NYTimes, WSJ, Gawker, PerezHilton, FinancialTimes) hehehehe.

An interesting thing just happened to me, and while it may not be terribly awesome (because cool people like us are so goddamn discerning in our fucking awesome rad neat tastes), it is an interesting peek behind the scenes of the catastrophe that might soon befall the mccain camp.

There was an article about Palin and her experience and whatnot on the Wall Street Journal today or yesterday or something. I didn’t read the article, but I did read the comments.

I won’t post the comments here, because I believe it is better to go to the site and see it, because I’m not talking about the comments. Well, I am, but I want to talk about a unique feature that each of these comments had: On the upper right side of each comment window, there was a rating system of 5 stars. This continues with the great tradition of the right wingers who think a gold star should be given out to the awesome people in their club, especially retarded evangelicals, or other tribal groups (I should make the distinction that retarded evangelicals are no different than regular evangelicals, I’m just trying to make the point that they’re all completely fucking lobotomized).

Back to the gold star rating system. The responses elicited by the Palin article fell into three categories:

1) The somewhat informed left leaning conservative who actually responds to criticism of Palin with their own historical and political facts. In fact, I shouldn’t say they respond to the criticism as much as they hammer it home by pointing out falsities among the other commentators on the board, and then pulling from other contemporary criticisms of their subject, in this case Palin.

2) The somewhat informed right leaning conservative (and is therefore mildly brainwashed by rhetoric and a lack of caring for “numbers” and in-context statistics) who just regurgitates what they have heard other right leaning conservatives say, without checking facts (and these are the guys who get clobbered by the people from #1). I think a great example is Eric Baum, and I know I wasn’t going to post any of these, but this explains what I meant to a T:

Measured by years in public office, Palin's experience is weak for a Presidential candidate,
although still arguably better than Obama's (and she's not a Presidential candidate).
But measured by actual accomplishments, she is a shooting star. As Mayor she (a) cut
property taxes by 40%, (b) built the town's athletic complex, and (c) won reelection
by 50% over the previous incumbent. How many other politicians at any level have cut property
taxes by 40%? Zero that I know of. How many mayors build a town's main complex? Some,
but its unusual. How many politicians at any level win reelection by 50%? Zero that I
know of.

As Chair of the Energy Commission and then Governor she
(a) cleaned out a huge nest of corruption, mostly in her own party,
(b) negotiated a $40 Billion gas pipeline, the largest infrastructure project in
north american history,
(c) passed a serious ethics bill
(d) renegotiated the deal with the oil companies
(e) returned a big part of the surplus to the Alaskan people
(f) achieved an 80% approval rating?
How many politicians at any level do any of these things? Virtually zero.

Eric Baum

3) Finally, the last category is the one liner retard who probably makes up the majority of the republican base, and usually just says what he thinks, without backing it up with any fact. These guys are also referred to as “yo dudes” and “assholes” who probably were on the front lines of the current Wall Street debacle we are in. With any luck, they will be impotent and bald by 40, and die without knowing the true value of art and love.

SHEWW…. Okay, lots of ‘splaining done, but HERE IS WHERE MY ORIGINAL POINT COMES INTO PLAY.

The gold star system pertains to all three of these types of commentators (one gold star being “not worth reading” and five gold stars being “very good” or whatever). It was interesting that when I added up the gold stars for each commentator, the average reader response was as follows:

The Left Leaning, somewhat informed conservative scored an average of 3.9375 gold stars out of Five

The Right Leaning, somewhat informed conservative scored an average of 2.8333 gold stars out of Five

The Retarded Conservative Dumbasses scored on average 2.3333 gold stars out of Five.

What I have failed to mention thus far is how there were only 3 examples of the right leaning commentaries. The Left Leaning commentators had five more total responses (and I should also mention that there were only ratings on one page, so on one page, there were 14 commentaries, 8 of them left leaning, 3 of them right leaning, and 3 of them retarded)

I read somewhere (just kidding, I don’t read so I make shit up as I go!) that the Wall Street Journal was a right-wing, fuck-the-poor, fuck-the-liberals kind of paper, but to see what’s going on in their commentary section is quite surprising. Out of 14 rated responses, over half of them were from people who shouldn’t even place their eyes on the WSJ for fear of retinal damage (i.e., the left leaners who criticized Palin).

I also heard (just kidding, see no evil, hear no evil, something something evil!) that Murdoch has been fighting with the trolls and ogres that run the WSJ’s demonic agenda, and that this may all be a product of his famous purges. But ichs donts tchinks so. Ichs tschinks that this could all be minor evidence of the fact that the republican/right leaning base is not getting riled up. This could be evidence that the left leaning obama voters are taking the charge, and this may have to do with the fact that republicans are old, stupid, and retarded. In that order.

I will soon do a follow up about more of these ratings, but I think the articles themselves have a lot do with it. I couldn’t really do this with, say, some stupid ass business article that only assholes might understand, but I could do this about an article criticizing mccain’s health plan, or obama’s economic agenda.

The worst is yet to come (all over our faces, ohhhhhhhhhhhh… ohohhhhhh, stuffing Palin’s face in a pillow while getting her from behind, oHHHHHHHH… lick that salty Alaskan beaver… OHHHHHHHHHHH!)!)!)!)!)!)!)!))!)!)!)

There's my Dick in the Dark! There it is...

Is it possible to use the term progressive when describing a political tactic that is based in regressive cultural mores? Of course! The Political Attack could be seen as a beautiful progression and evolution of tactics that are regressive in their nature. What does that mean? The McCain camp has shown us that their most recent and advanced political strategy, with all the flair and hyper-intelligence of a 21^st century campaign, is based on nothing more than a referendum on whether you would fuck their vice presidential candidate. And it’s more than that: would you rather fuck Sarah Palin, or vote for a black man.

The choice of voting with your dick (and you’re probably a guy, because only men can read and see) is appealing to a purely biological instinct to stick it to her. And we don’t even have to imagine Palin on all fours, her sweat beading down the small of her back, ohhh, so salty, like salted moose or beaver… beaver… ohhhh… something something, I was saying something about us not having to imagine it, because we can just photoshop her face onto a porn star’s body, covered in cream, and sell her out of an ice cream truck.

But I don’t know… There is an inherent trust we put in people who are attractive, and this is an ancient explanation for a lot of politics, from Reagan (the movie star) to Biden (with his hair and teeth), Obama (a strong virile man with a deep voice and solid-set eyes) and JFK (except for that FUCKING accent which made cockney slang sound like a nightingale cometh).

This should be terrifying on two levels: First, we have a lot of fucking retarded people who are definitely going to look at her, and their gut reaction has more to do with the fact that she’s pretty and young and can talk and say words like manifestation and cyclical without stuttering, and, well, that goes a long way. I don’t think it’s unfair to say that these voters really deserve a big ‘ole gold star for being so darned discerning in their personal quest for truth and justice and decency in god’s country, where the white should still be the only ones to vote and abortion should only be exercised when we invade other countries and kill the babies within the wombs of our enemies. Yeah, a big ‘ole gold star is in order for them.

For who, though? We could start with the mentally retarded; not the “nyerrr nyerrhhaa” drooling kind, but the seriously retarded evangelicals or weekend Christians.

“but ohhh, Buttter, how can you honestly make fun of people for believing in god, I mean, people can believe what they want, and it’s freedom, America, nyerrrrhhhh.”

No! No! Believing in god is completely retarded, and this compassionate understanding of those who are retarded and believe in myths should be stopped, because the leniency we gave these retarded fucks has elected not one, but two terms of semi-dictatorial incompetence. And these people are seriously retarded, no joke. And it’s one thing to say “oh, but these are great stories and we should be following their teachings, blah blah BLAAHHHHHHHH” but no! NO! These are fun stories, but they have so little to do with this day and age. It’s fine though, to read the bible, get a sense of what’s being said, but do it as though you were reading the greek myths, because you can get the same values and lessons that the bible says in the myths. And it’s pure fucking luck that the bible got its start, so fuck you bible you fucking jew fuck, and fuck you god, you dumb asian asshole.

But it’s great that god made bombs and we have war and the military gets to do stuff and we get to twist our nipples as we chant USA USA USA and such, and hide from the personal insecurities we have, and the fact that we drool over the secretary in our Topeka offices, as we masturbate to shitty internet porn because we’re too old to know how to find decent internet porn, but too young to stop caring about our dicks. We’re like 40 years old, dammit, and bored and we believe in myths and magic, and we love listening to the disc jockeys in the morning talk about shit that’s only one step away from fucking Reader’s Digest. We’re 40 to 45 years old, and we’re sad and bored and mild, and we wish we could have had sex with one (just one!) thin girl in our lives, but we didn’t because we were always ugly and stupid and shy and shitty, and we never got to bang a thin girl, and now it’s too late because who wants to fuck a 40 year with thinning hair who shops at old navy for his ‘weekend clothes.’ Who wants to fuck this kind of a guy? His wife won’t fuck him anymore so he’s reverted to masturbating - more than ever in his life, more than when he was 16, more than when he was 19 and in college at Cincinnati State - and while jacking off, getting his dick ready, getting it hard because it's hard to get hard these days, he’s alone, the only one awake in the house, and his homepage is cnn.com because he’s so worldly, and he sees Palin. And while he’s getting his limp willy hard, trying so hard to get it there, he just focuses in on Palin, and her mouth, and her lips, and I bet she’d look so fucking hot with her hair down, and her glasses off, naked, with just enough meat on her to grab, but not too much that he’d be reminded of his wife; and she’s straddling him, but he’s ashamed because he can’t get it up, so he gets to rubbing his nipples and biting his shoulder, trying to just feel, because he thinks he might have felt once before, and he hasn’t felt anything in so long, because he’s disgusted by his boring wife and disgusted by his boring life (and rhyming these over and over in his head, life, wife, life wife) and he can now only get off to the vice president’s picture while biting his shoulder at 3 in the morning. And seventeen minutes later he comes, and he comes all over her computer screen, just smearing his swollen red-raw member all over the cool, convex screen, and he goes blind for the length of a second and a half, because it’s such a goddammed release, and he has to throw away the keyboard because it’s done for, filled like a girl gets filled with man milk, and he throws it away and blames it on the dog, because that’s all he can ever do: blame it on a different species, because he is man, and man is so pure and good, and the only thing that separates us is our understanding that when we get the keyboard junked up with sperm, we have the intelligence and insight to throw it away before our wife catches on, because the party would be over then, and boy, does that man like to jerk it like a dog.

And, lo, the present administration brought a sense of insecurity and shame to us, and me personally, that our generation had not felt before. The insecurity from the world hating us and the markets being completely bonkers (even though I am removed from the world of finance, I feel this insecurity bled over to my frantic job search which took months of slamming doors until I found a lucky lucky in from a friend) and the shame of knowing how badly we fucked over so much more of the world (I know, we’ve been doing it for a while…but this seems so present and different that I think there’s been a resurgent urgency in our fucking them these last eight or so years).

It’s just fucked. There is no hope, there is no more “oh, but I want to think the American people are smarter” because they’re not. We’re truly retarded. We’re so fucking retarded that it’s amazing we can even find our limp dicks in the dark anymore at 3 am. The McCain administration knows the retarded nature of the undecided electorate, but they took the risk that we were stupid enough to not read/understand the issues, but smart enough to find our dicks in the dark. And we are. I’d fuck Palin and stick her face in a pillow while licking the sweat off her back, which tastes live beaver… ohh beaver…. Ohhooohhhhhhhh….