Tolerate the Medieval in your Fancy, Man!

The theme continues; the majority of Americans still’re slower than retards wearing ankle weights. Through a failure of doin’, I point that the wellspring of our democrakatic republic - voting - has been commandeered by the same bloc that put us into [what? a... mess of ecolutionary, economicary, terrorist-spawning rhetorictions,?]; the same bloc that refers to computers as ‘light machinations’ and whose blow jobs are still called ‘five-cent warmth bonuses’, i.e., Anyone Over Forty and Sometimes Thirty Five.

How to define this stupidity? Is following advice from the peddler who advises you to vote against your own interests; is that make you stupid? Is it depend on the advice or your reaction thereof? If I’m in the practice of ink-mixing, and a politician comes along and says “all ink-mixers are going to get a tax break if I’m elected”, and it turns out that he’s a lying, cheating, war-mongering chick with a dick, well, at what point do I become an ass for voting for this guy? If he is a lyer then I won’t vote for him again and democracy remains pure. But what if he pulls through with his promise and breaks my taxes so that I may use the extra capital to hire on a few extra workers, expand and improve my process, etc.? At what point in this democracy should I start being concerned about the poor humanitarian decisions of our elected officials so long as the general economy, ahem, hummm.

Why care about your money? Usually, if you’re over 35 (and (definitely) if you’re over 40), then you’ve got much more at stake than the uni-limbed victims of foreign policy. Besides, we don’t actually hack arms off. Our violence is more like “we, the American representatives to Panama, would like to offer you training and guns and the like,” so that we can, say, overthrow the current hostile government and build a canal. I would argue that most of the time these interventions are worth it, and that the amount of lives destroyed (or maimed) should never be as bad as the overall uplifting powers of economic progress! Think of all the jobs created by the canal, then and now; globalization! And this scope is quite international.

As I’d say to a friend: is being a bigot not enough to grain credit with the autistic masses? There are plenty of bigoted things to do, but in a civilization where lynching nigroes or employing under-age sex girls is widespread and encouraged, then there’s nobody to draw a comparison to. There’d be no Sara Palin to say “those east coast caviar suckling faggots can suck on my hairy flaps” because everybody would be too busy lynching folks or teaching creationism to the seven children of their seven wives. What gets Palin elected is some smarmy strutter with a few years of civilization in his breeches coming along and pointing a stritched finger at her and saying “thar’s the she-devil! Thar’s the one that believes in some-odd God”!

“Reality Through Chicanery: The Princess Feels the Pea, Confronts it and Rejoices” and "When Something Doesn't Feel Right"

I came across middle-agers on the fine summery fiery street walk of a manhattan space-scape and listened as they lowed, “it’s a shell game, oh whoa, gel shame”. Given a choice, the easiest choice of all (one with two options), they froze: who should regulate the web advertising networks’ use of private and personal information on the Internet, the Industry Itself or the Government. Betwixt, a populace stands infirm.
, petrified turd.

In the triforce of Consumer, Industry, and Government, it’s hard to find an equilibrium in ye olde seesaw: the more successful an advertising firm wants to be, the less liberty a consumer has; this is the result of an ad networks’ sorting and filtering personal internet habits to create said premium product: the highly targeted ads which are the result of all this data mining. A bad example comes to mind in that the more I know of my roommates drug-sniffing habits, the more I can successfully market my cocaine/meth/powdered foreskin to him. While it’s not fair to say that advertisers are trying to sell products that consumers are literally addicted to (one cuts the foreskin powder with Newport tobacco to increase the cravings), it should be understood that corporations do not have in mind the easy to dismiss notion of a “public good”.

It is too easy for a cynic with his fingers in someone else’s shorts to claim that the government has no time for the public good, but this thinking must be destroyed. For these people, a trip to the libertarian paradise of central Africa might rape them into clarity. For the rest of us, it must be understood that our government functions quite well for what it is and the onus is on our anus to follow the News-ous.

Necessarily, we must understand the tendency for folks to support Industry over Government: industry is rarely held accountable for blatant fuckery, whereas government officials are easily identified and thus excoriated for whatever (see: Politics). It seems as though there’s a psychological slip in play when politicians are routinely singled out, face and name all over for their role in trysts and bribery, whereas businessmen in the exact same situation are as blameless as the Islamic man who rapes a woman for leaving the house without covering her head, condoned by a community as tsk tsk what a dumb broad indeed (see: Predatory Lending).

When industry folks begin to believe their actions as for the benefit of the consumer, a problem of continuity ensues. I agree that the industry should self-regulate, but it shouldn’t be under the guise of well-meaning buffoonery. Just as Google’s motto states “do no evil”, this ought to be followed up by a detailed explanation that for all the “evil” a cynic makes of their business practices, they are actually benefiting quite a group of folks - all while making a pretty penny. Nobody should feel guilty about making money while claiming a noble carrot, but they oughtn’t believe it! But too many folks do believe it, and I believe that this misbelief can lead to (deep waters enter...) a crisis in self-realization and “a life well-lived” (http://www.aei.org/speech/100023). Ugh, too much?

This and other points will be explored in a continuing series of short pieces I call “Reality Through Chicanery: The Princess Feels the Pea, Confronts it and Rejoices”

Tit toditael

Alright idiots, Tip's back after a serious bout of thinking. If you'd like to know what sort of drinking he's talking about, take as evidence the amount of time passed between the beginning of this post and this point here. Now here. Now here. Now here.

It hit me at the Bronx zoo the other day: after warming up my projective capabilities with organisms relegated to the gulags of the food chain ("Awww I sometimes sniff my freshly-laid poo too!") I shelled out the $3 it cost to enter the Congo. And for the first five minutes I had considered my money not-too-ill-spent: fake mist mixed with fake ferns and fake exotic/organic rainforest tree trunks, the tails and other physiological traces I caught of strange animals were worth at least $1.25 (or a Busch diesel tallboy). I was even getting a little horny, like what happens with the mom and her son in the greenhouse of Zola's La Curee. The I reached the pot of gold: the gorilla exhibit.

For lack of light I had a hard time getting oriented at first ("this must be what it's like to first arrive on the other side of the protective zoo bars") but once my eyes adjusted and my ears became accustomed to the pitch of seven-year-olds' screaming I got a good look at the scene: a grassy knoll covered in imported central-African deciduous herbage, playing couch to a dozen hairy Silverback gorillas of varying age and size. The parents slept or watched their children play/wrestle or chew on sticks and rub their mammaries. The faces of us superiors betrayed memories of more innocent times as if we had lived in that dreamy artificiality ourselves. Couple rubbed each other's elbows and children piled on top of each other for a better look. Transcendent.

In a darker corner of the exhibit was grouped a bunch of the aforementioned youngsters whose peals my ears took a minute to get accustomed. They were intent on what looked like an exceptionally large beast who was leaning back against a tree trunk at a ninety-degree angle to the spectators, but about six inches away from the protective glass. Every forty seconds or so the group of kids would scream with delight or disgust and push closer or farther from the glass. I inched in for a better look: gorilla on display (Bigsie?) was working his jaws reflectively with his right hand out as if both proposing and contemplating a conflicted statement for the first time; there were bits of brown I-don't-know-what on the sides of his mouth and his fingertips, but I didn't have enough time to make a guess as to what the stuff might be because at that moment he gave me an answer ("Here he goes!" one of the kids screamed): tipping his head back and shaking it for a second, Bigsie lurched forward and vomited a neat brown poo ball (with chunks and nuts, yes) into his hand, looked at it, then ate it once more.

I gagged, naturally. The kids screamed and laughed and clamored for a better look at the next one. It was worth $3, yes. I had seen something I wouldn't have thought to have seen at home. Here was the reflective image of a beast in captivity whose numbness and ease of life had pushed him to an extreme form of engagement and consumption. He wasn't eating because he was hungry; he wasn't vomiting because he felt sick. Food and medical attention would be provided to him without fail; toys and sex and exercise were all at his disposal. I read on the placard that Bigsie was the first gorilla to have been successfully birthed and raised in captivity at the Bronx Zoo. Not once had he met with challenge or despair but had rather been afforded, arguably, the easiest life a Congolese Silverback may have ever known.

The life in the cage was a homogeneous community without threat from within or without. In this way it would accord with what Fukuyama (or Hegel before him) would have called an 'end of history', wherein the seeds are sown for the overcoming of the master-slave dialectic, where man can devote himself to self-knowledge and the completion of science. In this way Bigsie could be, perhaps, the gorillas' Philosopher, with nothing to do but use the tools he has available and contemplate his role in the world order. It would be easy to pin his behavior on what we know about the death drive: the repetition of a foundational event in order to regain control of a situation, no matter how painful that event may be. His action could be the same as little Hans' "fort - da" that introduces the concept to Freud in the first place. Deleuze would move it beyond Oedipus, however, and take special note of the action taking place: the mouth/digestive machine and its predicated flow. Bigsie is acting not simply according to a death drive but in contemplation of the makeup of his very existence, namely, synthesis. Stuff goes in, stuff comes out. It's true that he reverses the order and doesn't allow the machine to do its work (and this is where the death drive is appropriate), which may be the appropriate place to stop this here and think, then, about why the kids liked watching it so much.

More WSJ responses, Fucking, In my ASs

Here's the article referenced


Bravo Bret Stephens: the wunderkind does it again on the pages of the Wall Street Journal, writing about Colin Powell and showing penile integrity as he done did it! That's right, be scared, because soon McCain will lose the election and a socialist-fascist-communist regime will spread its red labial flaps across the sacred symbol's eagle. Do you understand how much the editorial page here smells like desperation? What does a young kid like you have to gain if McCain is elected? What do you have to lose if Obama is elected? The personal fear was evident in the liberals (let's just stick with Krugman, because he's always frightened about something) when Bush was elected, and then re-elected, because they knew that people would be killed and inequality would be allowed to reign o'er our nation. But reaaaallly, what is it for you? The neo-con tradition will end here, but how can you argue your hawkish stance without explaining what you have to gain? Do you like the idea of the economy trickling down? Does that turn you on? The only true explanation would be that you have never been good at anything, and somehow you found out that you don't have to be smart in order to get ahead: you just have to be belligerent. But you, Bret, you're really good at that. I noticed that your column is supposed to do with global perspectives on politics, but you just threw that idea out this week because you were itching to just go crazy and denegrate anything that Colin Powell could say about his former employer and the current state of his party. And that picture? Really guys? Who made the call "let's use that picture that Drudge used because it makes Colin Powell look like a monkey dancing between two rap stars." You guys are way smarter than I am, and if I'm able to make the connection of three black men, two of them "gangster rappers" (because according to every conservative white male that reads this newspaper, any rapper or black man in power is a gangster), and generally creating a cheesy and illegitimating aura around Colin Powell. Also, great placement on the link to Rush Limbaugh's rant (and seriously, the NYTimes, Washington Post, Financial Times and the Economist would never link to someone like that. To put it into perspective, how many times has the NYTimes linked a quote from Arianna Huffington within a McCain-bashing article? And hey! At least the Times recognize their bias, whereas who are the liberals in your opinion page?). So, finally, to take a play out of the McCain campaign's book, I'd like to call you out for having a second rate newspaper that nobody reads and is losing money, financially woeful, disgustingly behind in terms of technology and ideology, and doing a grave and everlasting injustice to the diminishing conservative intelligentsia. So Fuck you. (you can edit these last three words out if it allows for this to be printed)

News you can Use

Russia is fucking screwed. Not only is the price of oil going down faster than a transvestite on eddie murphy’s lap (HOOOO!), but their most promising young athlete just died. His name was something, and he was from Russia. He was 19 and was a 1^st round draft pick for the NY Rangers. The story behind the story is that this was no case of a young athlete dying because of complications of being Russian and stupid. No. I believe that this young boy was actually a secret journalist, and this explains why he mysteriously died while playing hockey. In fact, according to myself, people don’t just die in Russia. Anyone who tells you otherwise is most likely a spy, a communist, someone related to me, or even is me. It usually is me. I will tell you one thing while doing the other. That is the cornerstone of the Russian. Russian is a man/woman hybrid creature that feels and looks like Dobby from Harry Potter. In fact, has anyone ever noticed how much Dobby looks like Putin? Is this the great conspiracy of our time? No, no it isn’t.

The great conspiracy, or rather, the great bummer (because it’s not a conspiracy at all, it’s just a bummer for Russia and Venezuela) is that oil is plummeting. I remember when people actually cared about going green, and driving hybrids, and eating dehydrated cow shit and other ecologically sound things. The recent economic asshole (as in the brown thing in the middle of your butt, not in reference to a jerk) fucking has eroded their power and destroyed any chance for a “resurgent Russia”. So fuck that. Russia can suck my dick and kill me if they want to because they’re already insignificant. Sort of. Hehehehe. They’re more like a bunch of douchebags with no style; the inbred rich neighbor who just lost his job, but has to keep up appearances because he’s worried his girlfriend will leave him, even though she’s fat and ugly and also his cousin.

But I bet a blowjob from Russia would feel nice. Like, reaaaal nice. Like the kind when you’re like “suck harder” and then Russia would be like “mmph mm phhm!” and it’s hard enough to understand what russia’s saying because your dick’s in her mouth (or his, because if Russia were a dude, I’d let it suck my dick; but only Russia-as-a-man could get away with this. Don’t get any ideas you faggots), not to mention that Russia speaks Russians, so it would be like “MMMМНѮД ДДДMѸѸѸ” and shit. But the main reason that Russia gives the best blowjobs (only second to Israel, for obvious reasons) is that Russia had a lot of work done. Her mouth is huge, great jiggly tits, and she’s always wasted, so she’ll put it so deep inside her mouth she’ll think she’s sucking on a bottle of Stolichnaya! HOOOOO!

I forgot what I was talking about, but irregardles, I remembered and shall now continue. Oil fell below 70 dollars a barrel today. Because of that, Russia will no longer be able to afford all the bullshit stupid crap that it bought over the last year since a barrel of oil almost became as expensive as an ounce of weed. I know that oil’s not their only thing, but oil prices were helping them even more than natural gas! And even natural gas is slowing down. I just want to know when the weed market bubble will burst, although it’s been steady at about 50 bucks a bag for a while. The bags have been getting smaller, and the prices stay the same. Fuck that. Weed can suck my dick.

Foreign relations is probably my best subject, and this article shows why: I’m articulate and I’m all about getting my dick sucked by Russia.

WSJ opinion responses

Rove the boy wonder has everything to lose in this election. All that he's worked for will be snapped away and he knows it. The desperation is evident and tastes like copper. It strikes me as odd that he is writing pieces like this in the WSJ because who does he think he's converting? I can understand a need to rally the troops, but the people who read this newspaper are egg-head republicans, not the masses who make up the republican base. These egg-heads are rightfully pissed about the Palin decision (because really, her as president? Nancy Reagan had more cred than her for simply being married to the big guy!). But that's fine, Rove can say whatever he wants because he's Rove. For now, that is. Who will listen to him once Obama's in the White House? Will he even have a weekly article here in the Opinion page? What will Karl Rove have to offer once his empire crumbles? He exploited and over used his own dirty tactics, and now they're backfiring, and he's confused and scared, and his legacy as well as Bush's is over. End of Story.

A Tale of Two Shitties

How to transfer phones. It’s simple and easy as shit. You answer, mumble something really fucking quickly so it flusters the caller. If you are successful, you will hear an unsure response of ‘hello.. eh-o?’ Next, it is imperative – IMPERATIVE – to listen what they ask next because this is what determines your next response. There are three types of callers and they all require different responses. The first caller would be the confused dumbass trying to do business with you because your company is somehow connected to what they are trying to do. In our case, as an arts-oriented publishing company, I receive calls usually once every two weeks of people looking to sell artwork. These people are generally retarded fools who should have been hit by a car while crossing the road at night dressed in all black. But they didn’t, so you must question their motives. Mostly, they are lonely old people who are slowly going senile and have no friends or relatives that care to hear about their once-a-week bowel movements. The next type of people are people who need to be transferred to so-and-so because they’re working with them or they’re an artist or a gallery trying to get hold of such-and-such department and yadda yadda blah dee fucking doodley boo. Finally, the last client is the best because they represent a fusion of smegma, tragedy, and ingenuity. These are the types of people that drive the industrialism of America! They typically ask about the “boxes of packaging tape we were interested in” or “who makes decisions regarding our real estate.” They are mostly scam artists or opportunistic has-beens that either are working in obscure unmarked warehouses in southern California or holed up on I-95 in rural Ohio, living out of their car, clutching onto a list of stolen contacts from their previous job. These types of animal won’t let you go: you can feel them twisting the phone in their hand, trying to juice any amount of money from your ears, doing anything they can; saying things like “Hey boss! Ready for the weekend big guy? Yeah, who isn’t, right? How ‘bout we include a 5 dollar Starbucks giftcard for ya, boss?”

OHhhh they won’t let you go. They say stuff, you say stuff. They’re insistent. You’re indifferent. You mourn the underlying layer of filthy silt that makes up the free market. But you are also secretly aware that you have the power; you can hang up anytime but you don’t because your head swells with power. The power! The true tragedy lies in the power and strength you get from dominating these older men (and they are always men, the Willy Lomans of the world, but with some inexplicable ability to survive; for these men would never kill themselves, they’d just beat their wives or their meat, whichever is closer)

Identifying the Independent Voter 10 - 08 - 08

The majority of independent voters are poor, retarded, white women from the northern-midwest who probably think they’ll get raped by gangs of black men if Obama is elected. Poor, retarded white men are not as scared of the rape factor as they are of the fact that while they don’t mind Obama, they’d rather have fantasies about fucking Sara Palin in the mouth; maybe other holes too, but mainly in her mouth.

(Source: NYTimes)

The Sara Palin Movie

Sara Palin is not related to Sarah Palin, so Fuck You you neo-conservative Fuckwads with nothing better to do than google Sarah Palin all day looking for smear sites in order to shut them down, and then you misspell her name, and because of that, you come to our site, and because of seeing our site, you're sterile, as if you had had mumphs in late adolescence, you convalescent bigots.

Yeah, and for all you stupid ass liberals, right on, because you can't spell Liberace without Liberal, so yeah, nice, i'm all about liberality

;;;;;;;;;;;=========''''''''--------3333333322221--][[]][[]][][][][][][][[][][

Everyone is fixed on wall street, making it hard to come up with anything relevant. I don't know wall street and I wouldn't care except I'm finally understanding that my money, my taxpayer money, is finally being fucked with. My muh-muh-muhhney. I worked in highschool and then a little during college, and I understand that I've helped pay for the iraq war, so every 1/10000000000^th of a penny that goes into making bombs probably came from me, and I'm sorry for all the harm I've done. But what am I to say? It seems like every fucking op-ed writer this side of the atlantic (and then some) have been talking about whatever is going on, and they say the same things over and over:

This is a lot of money

It could be an interesting investment on the part of our government

It's really complicated even for those who thought they knew what was going on

Henry Paulson is a dick

Sooooo… the plan so far is that if this gets as bad as it could be, as in, so bad that people are rioting and there are food shortages, then it's time to go to Canada and start an organic farm

But it's not going to get that bad. People have always been talking about bad things, and look where we are. We're eating and drinking (except for a bunch of assholes who usually can't drink alcohol because they're ex-addicts and/or think that alcohol is bad (which it isn't, based on studies and such), and we're living and breathing, and playing board games and drinking and eating and orgasming and origamiing and watching moives and playing videogames and reading stupid shit on the internet and writing stupider shit (i.e., this) on the internet.

Things are fucking right on right now. Things are always bad and good and bad and good and worse and awesome and shitty and superb.

One of the stories missed this week is how the LHC (Large Hammer-Time Collider) has been shut down until at least next April because some fucking engineer was jacking off on one of the magnets that runs the thing, and he forgot to wipe, and ended up frying the shit out of it. This engineer's name was John Updike. Yes, the same John Updike that wrote some shit about rabbits or something. The same John Updike whose last name sounds like Up and Dyke, which is awesome because it makes me hot to think about getting all Up in a Dyke, ya hearrrrd?

Anyways, what the fuck else has been happening. Sarah Palin has been the slut of the General Assembly this week, first giving head to Kissinger, and then to mohammar Singh, and some other people we shouldn't care about, because she actually isn't doing anything. Not a goddamn thing. She's just going around flaunting her perfect 44 year old tits and shapely ass and wiping kissinger's excreta from her pouty lips. It's funny because I think that kissinger's chode must be all of 3 inches long, but 8 inches wide, so she planned ahead by putting on extra lipstick and such.

It's almost too easy to make fun of her. Where the hell has barack obama been? I don't know if I'd want to go down on Obama because he'd be all like "Change" and I'd be all like "mmmbbbhgg" because his dick's in my mouth and he'd be like "Yes we can CUM!" and then I'd pass out.

I don't know if Michelle would be down, but whatever.

I also need to get a picture of the new girl who works in the finance department because her denim jacket is fucking AWESOME, so bejewlled and shit

The Physical Impossibility of Republicanism in the Mind of a Democrat Living

The importance of message boards has been lost on me ever since I was a member of the Emperor’s Hammer dot com, where star wars geeks would unite to play each other in TIE fighter vs X-wing on our 56k modems in the mid to late nineties. I haven’t thought much recently about how message boards have changed, but apparently they’re quite a force on some major websites (NYTimes, WSJ, Gawker, PerezHilton, FinancialTimes) hehehehe.

An interesting thing just happened to me, and while it may not be terribly awesome (because cool people like us are so goddamn discerning in our fucking awesome rad neat tastes), it is an interesting peek behind the scenes of the catastrophe that might soon befall the mccain camp.

There was an article about Palin and her experience and whatnot on the Wall Street Journal today or yesterday or something. I didn’t read the article, but I did read the comments.

I won’t post the comments here, because I believe it is better to go to the site and see it, because I’m not talking about the comments. Well, I am, but I want to talk about a unique feature that each of these comments had: On the upper right side of each comment window, there was a rating system of 5 stars. This continues with the great tradition of the right wingers who think a gold star should be given out to the awesome people in their club, especially retarded evangelicals, or other tribal groups (I should make the distinction that retarded evangelicals are no different than regular evangelicals, I’m just trying to make the point that they’re all completely fucking lobotomized).

Back to the gold star rating system. The responses elicited by the Palin article fell into three categories:

1) The somewhat informed left leaning conservative who actually responds to criticism of Palin with their own historical and political facts. In fact, I shouldn’t say they respond to the criticism as much as they hammer it home by pointing out falsities among the other commentators on the board, and then pulling from other contemporary criticisms of their subject, in this case Palin.

2) The somewhat informed right leaning conservative (and is therefore mildly brainwashed by rhetoric and a lack of caring for “numbers” and in-context statistics) who just regurgitates what they have heard other right leaning conservatives say, without checking facts (and these are the guys who get clobbered by the people from #1). I think a great example is Eric Baum, and I know I wasn’t going to post any of these, but this explains what I meant to a T:

Measured by years in public office, Palin's experience is weak for a Presidential candidate,
although still arguably better than Obama's (and she's not a Presidential candidate).
But measured by actual accomplishments, she is a shooting star. As Mayor she (a) cut
property taxes by 40%, (b) built the town's athletic complex, and (c) won reelection
by 50% over the previous incumbent. How many other politicians at any level have cut property
taxes by 40%? Zero that I know of. How many mayors build a town's main complex? Some,
but its unusual. How many politicians at any level win reelection by 50%? Zero that I
know of.

As Chair of the Energy Commission and then Governor she
(a) cleaned out a huge nest of corruption, mostly in her own party,
(b) negotiated a $40 Billion gas pipeline, the largest infrastructure project in
north american history,
(c) passed a serious ethics bill
(d) renegotiated the deal with the oil companies
(e) returned a big part of the surplus to the Alaskan people
(f) achieved an 80% approval rating?
How many politicians at any level do any of these things? Virtually zero.

Eric Baum

3) Finally, the last category is the one liner retard who probably makes up the majority of the republican base, and usually just says what he thinks, without backing it up with any fact. These guys are also referred to as “yo dudes” and “assholes” who probably were on the front lines of the current Wall Street debacle we are in. With any luck, they will be impotent and bald by 40, and die without knowing the true value of art and love.

SHEWW…. Okay, lots of ‘splaining done, but HERE IS WHERE MY ORIGINAL POINT COMES INTO PLAY.

The gold star system pertains to all three of these types of commentators (one gold star being “not worth reading” and five gold stars being “very good” or whatever). It was interesting that when I added up the gold stars for each commentator, the average reader response was as follows:

The Left Leaning, somewhat informed conservative scored an average of 3.9375 gold stars out of Five

The Right Leaning, somewhat informed conservative scored an average of 2.8333 gold stars out of Five

The Retarded Conservative Dumbasses scored on average 2.3333 gold stars out of Five.

What I have failed to mention thus far is how there were only 3 examples of the right leaning commentaries. The Left Leaning commentators had five more total responses (and I should also mention that there were only ratings on one page, so on one page, there were 14 commentaries, 8 of them left leaning, 3 of them right leaning, and 3 of them retarded)

I read somewhere (just kidding, I don’t read so I make shit up as I go!) that the Wall Street Journal was a right-wing, fuck-the-poor, fuck-the-liberals kind of paper, but to see what’s going on in their commentary section is quite surprising. Out of 14 rated responses, over half of them were from people who shouldn’t even place their eyes on the WSJ for fear of retinal damage (i.e., the left leaners who criticized Palin).

I also heard (just kidding, see no evil, hear no evil, something something evil!) that Murdoch has been fighting with the trolls and ogres that run the WSJ’s demonic agenda, and that this may all be a product of his famous purges. But ichs donts tchinks so. Ichs tschinks that this could all be minor evidence of the fact that the republican/right leaning base is not getting riled up. This could be evidence that the left leaning obama voters are taking the charge, and this may have to do with the fact that republicans are old, stupid, and retarded. In that order.

I will soon do a follow up about more of these ratings, but I think the articles themselves have a lot do with it. I couldn’t really do this with, say, some stupid ass business article that only assholes might understand, but I could do this about an article criticizing mccain’s health plan, or obama’s economic agenda.

The worst is yet to come (all over our faces, ohhhhhhhhhhhh… ohohhhhhh, stuffing Palin’s face in a pillow while getting her from behind, oHHHHHHHH… lick that salty Alaskan beaver… OHHHHHHHHHHH!)!)!)!)!)!)!)!))!)!)!)

There's my Dick in the Dark! There it is...

Is it possible to use the term progressive when describing a political tactic that is based in regressive cultural mores? Of course! The Political Attack could be seen as a beautiful progression and evolution of tactics that are regressive in their nature. What does that mean? The McCain camp has shown us that their most recent and advanced political strategy, with all the flair and hyper-intelligence of a 21^st century campaign, is based on nothing more than a referendum on whether you would fuck their vice presidential candidate. And it’s more than that: would you rather fuck Sarah Palin, or vote for a black man.

The choice of voting with your dick (and you’re probably a guy, because only men can read and see) is appealing to a purely biological instinct to stick it to her. And we don’t even have to imagine Palin on all fours, her sweat beading down the small of her back, ohhh, so salty, like salted moose or beaver… beaver… ohhhh… something something, I was saying something about us not having to imagine it, because we can just photoshop her face onto a porn star’s body, covered in cream, and sell her out of an ice cream truck.

But I don’t know… There is an inherent trust we put in people who are attractive, and this is an ancient explanation for a lot of politics, from Reagan (the movie star) to Biden (with his hair and teeth), Obama (a strong virile man with a deep voice and solid-set eyes) and JFK (except for that FUCKING accent which made cockney slang sound like a nightingale cometh).

This should be terrifying on two levels: First, we have a lot of fucking retarded people who are definitely going to look at her, and their gut reaction has more to do with the fact that she’s pretty and young and can talk and say words like manifestation and cyclical without stuttering, and, well, that goes a long way. I don’t think it’s unfair to say that these voters really deserve a big ‘ole gold star for being so darned discerning in their personal quest for truth and justice and decency in god’s country, where the white should still be the only ones to vote and abortion should only be exercised when we invade other countries and kill the babies within the wombs of our enemies. Yeah, a big ‘ole gold star is in order for them.

For who, though? We could start with the mentally retarded; not the “nyerrr nyerrhhaa” drooling kind, but the seriously retarded evangelicals or weekend Christians.

“but ohhh, Buttter, how can you honestly make fun of people for believing in god, I mean, people can believe what they want, and it’s freedom, America, nyerrrrhhhh.”

No! No! Believing in god is completely retarded, and this compassionate understanding of those who are retarded and believe in myths should be stopped, because the leniency we gave these retarded fucks has elected not one, but two terms of semi-dictatorial incompetence. And these people are seriously retarded, no joke. And it’s one thing to say “oh, but these are great stories and we should be following their teachings, blah blah BLAAHHHHHHHH” but no! NO! These are fun stories, but they have so little to do with this day and age. It’s fine though, to read the bible, get a sense of what’s being said, but do it as though you were reading the greek myths, because you can get the same values and lessons that the bible says in the myths. And it’s pure fucking luck that the bible got its start, so fuck you bible you fucking jew fuck, and fuck you god, you dumb asian asshole.

But it’s great that god made bombs and we have war and the military gets to do stuff and we get to twist our nipples as we chant USA USA USA and such, and hide from the personal insecurities we have, and the fact that we drool over the secretary in our Topeka offices, as we masturbate to shitty internet porn because we’re too old to know how to find decent internet porn, but too young to stop caring about our dicks. We’re like 40 years old, dammit, and bored and we believe in myths and magic, and we love listening to the disc jockeys in the morning talk about shit that’s only one step away from fucking Reader’s Digest. We’re 40 to 45 years old, and we’re sad and bored and mild, and we wish we could have had sex with one (just one!) thin girl in our lives, but we didn’t because we were always ugly and stupid and shy and shitty, and we never got to bang a thin girl, and now it’s too late because who wants to fuck a 40 year with thinning hair who shops at old navy for his ‘weekend clothes.’ Who wants to fuck this kind of a guy? His wife won’t fuck him anymore so he’s reverted to masturbating - more than ever in his life, more than when he was 16, more than when he was 19 and in college at Cincinnati State - and while jacking off, getting his dick ready, getting it hard because it's hard to get hard these days, he’s alone, the only one awake in the house, and his homepage is cnn.com because he’s so worldly, and he sees Palin. And while he’s getting his limp willy hard, trying so hard to get it there, he just focuses in on Palin, and her mouth, and her lips, and I bet she’d look so fucking hot with her hair down, and her glasses off, naked, with just enough meat on her to grab, but not too much that he’d be reminded of his wife; and she’s straddling him, but he’s ashamed because he can’t get it up, so he gets to rubbing his nipples and biting his shoulder, trying to just feel, because he thinks he might have felt once before, and he hasn’t felt anything in so long, because he’s disgusted by his boring wife and disgusted by his boring life (and rhyming these over and over in his head, life, wife, life wife) and he can now only get off to the vice president’s picture while biting his shoulder at 3 in the morning. And seventeen minutes later he comes, and he comes all over her computer screen, just smearing his swollen red-raw member all over the cool, convex screen, and he goes blind for the length of a second and a half, because it’s such a goddammed release, and he has to throw away the keyboard because it’s done for, filled like a girl gets filled with man milk, and he throws it away and blames it on the dog, because that’s all he can ever do: blame it on a different species, because he is man, and man is so pure and good, and the only thing that separates us is our understanding that when we get the keyboard junked up with sperm, we have the intelligence and insight to throw it away before our wife catches on, because the party would be over then, and boy, does that man like to jerk it like a dog.

And, lo, the present administration brought a sense of insecurity and shame to us, and me personally, that our generation had not felt before. The insecurity from the world hating us and the markets being completely bonkers (even though I am removed from the world of finance, I feel this insecurity bled over to my frantic job search which took months of slamming doors until I found a lucky lucky in from a friend) and the shame of knowing how badly we fucked over so much more of the world (I know, we’ve been doing it for a while…but this seems so present and different that I think there’s been a resurgent urgency in our fucking them these last eight or so years).

It’s just fucked. There is no hope, there is no more “oh, but I want to think the American people are smarter” because they’re not. We’re truly retarded. We’re so fucking retarded that it’s amazing we can even find our limp dicks in the dark anymore at 3 am. The McCain administration knows the retarded nature of the undecided electorate, but they took the risk that we were stupid enough to not read/understand the issues, but smart enough to find our dicks in the dark. And we are. I’d fuck Palin and stick her face in a pillow while licking the sweat off her back, which tastes live beaver… ohh beaver…. Ohhooohhhhhhhh….