The Physical Impossibility of Republicanism in the Mind of a Democrat Living

The importance of message boards has been lost on me ever since I was a member of the Emperor’s Hammer dot com, where star wars geeks would unite to play each other in TIE fighter vs X-wing on our 56k modems in the mid to late nineties. I haven’t thought much recently about how message boards have changed, but apparently they’re quite a force on some major websites (NYTimes, WSJ, Gawker, PerezHilton, FinancialTimes) hehehehe.

An interesting thing just happened to me, and while it may not be terribly awesome (because cool people like us are so goddamn discerning in our fucking awesome rad neat tastes), it is an interesting peek behind the scenes of the catastrophe that might soon befall the mccain camp.

There was an article about Palin and her experience and whatnot on the Wall Street Journal today or yesterday or something. I didn’t read the article, but I did read the comments.

I won’t post the comments here, because I believe it is better to go to the site and see it, because I’m not talking about the comments. Well, I am, but I want to talk about a unique feature that each of these comments had: On the upper right side of each comment window, there was a rating system of 5 stars. This continues with the great tradition of the right wingers who think a gold star should be given out to the awesome people in their club, especially retarded evangelicals, or other tribal groups (I should make the distinction that retarded evangelicals are no different than regular evangelicals, I’m just trying to make the point that they’re all completely fucking lobotomized).

Back to the gold star rating system. The responses elicited by the Palin article fell into three categories:

1) The somewhat informed left leaning conservative who actually responds to criticism of Palin with their own historical and political facts. In fact, I shouldn’t say they respond to the criticism as much as they hammer it home by pointing out falsities among the other commentators on the board, and then pulling from other contemporary criticisms of their subject, in this case Palin.

2) The somewhat informed right leaning conservative (and is therefore mildly brainwashed by rhetoric and a lack of caring for “numbers” and in-context statistics) who just regurgitates what they have heard other right leaning conservatives say, without checking facts (and these are the guys who get clobbered by the people from #1). I think a great example is Eric Baum, and I know I wasn’t going to post any of these, but this explains what I meant to a T:

Measured by years in public office, Palin's experience is weak for a Presidential candidate,
although still arguably better than Obama's (and she's not a Presidential candidate).
But measured by actual accomplishments, she is a shooting star. As Mayor she (a) cut
property taxes by 40%, (b) built the town's athletic complex, and (c) won reelection
by 50% over the previous incumbent. How many other politicians at any level have cut property
taxes by 40%? Zero that I know of. How many mayors build a town's main complex? Some,
but its unusual. How many politicians at any level win reelection by 50%? Zero that I
know of.

As Chair of the Energy Commission and then Governor she
(a) cleaned out a huge nest of corruption, mostly in her own party,
(b) negotiated a $40 Billion gas pipeline, the largest infrastructure project in
north american history,
(c) passed a serious ethics bill
(d) renegotiated the deal with the oil companies
(e) returned a big part of the surplus to the Alaskan people
(f) achieved an 80% approval rating?
How many politicians at any level do any of these things? Virtually zero.

Eric Baum

3) Finally, the last category is the one liner retard who probably makes up the majority of the republican base, and usually just says what he thinks, without backing it up with any fact. These guys are also referred to as “yo dudes” and “assholes” who probably were on the front lines of the current Wall Street debacle we are in. With any luck, they will be impotent and bald by 40, and die without knowing the true value of art and love.

SHEWW…. Okay, lots of ‘splaining done, but HERE IS WHERE MY ORIGINAL POINT COMES INTO PLAY.

The gold star system pertains to all three of these types of commentators (one gold star being “not worth reading” and five gold stars being “very good” or whatever). It was interesting that when I added up the gold stars for each commentator, the average reader response was as follows:

The Left Leaning, somewhat informed conservative scored an average of 3.9375 gold stars out of Five

The Right Leaning, somewhat informed conservative scored an average of 2.8333 gold stars out of Five

The Retarded Conservative Dumbasses scored on average 2.3333 gold stars out of Five.

What I have failed to mention thus far is how there were only 3 examples of the right leaning commentaries. The Left Leaning commentators had five more total responses (and I should also mention that there were only ratings on one page, so on one page, there were 14 commentaries, 8 of them left leaning, 3 of them right leaning, and 3 of them retarded)

I read somewhere (just kidding, I don’t read so I make shit up as I go!) that the Wall Street Journal was a right-wing, fuck-the-poor, fuck-the-liberals kind of paper, but to see what’s going on in their commentary section is quite surprising. Out of 14 rated responses, over half of them were from people who shouldn’t even place their eyes on the WSJ for fear of retinal damage (i.e., the left leaners who criticized Palin).

I also heard (just kidding, see no evil, hear no evil, something something evil!) that Murdoch has been fighting with the trolls and ogres that run the WSJ’s demonic agenda, and that this may all be a product of his famous purges. But ichs donts tchinks so. Ichs tschinks that this could all be minor evidence of the fact that the republican/right leaning base is not getting riled up. This could be evidence that the left leaning obama voters are taking the charge, and this may have to do with the fact that republicans are old, stupid, and retarded. In that order.

I will soon do a follow up about more of these ratings, but I think the articles themselves have a lot do with it. I couldn’t really do this with, say, some stupid ass business article that only assholes might understand, but I could do this about an article criticizing mccain’s health plan, or obama’s economic agenda.

The worst is yet to come (all over our faces, ohhhhhhhhhhhh… ohohhhhhh, stuffing Palin’s face in a pillow while getting her from behind, oHHHHHHHH… lick that salty Alaskan beaver… OHHHHHHHHHHH!)!)!)!)!)!)!)!))!)!)!)